Tased and Confused

Tase the dog, the mailman, the car, and everything else

| January 25, 2012
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I recently read an article about a guy who got tased at the Sacramento International Airport because he wouldn't go back and retrieve something he'd forgotten on his plane. Got me to thinking.

Dog won't stop barking? Tase it. Cat refusing your handouts? Tase it. Husband misbehaving? Tase the blighter. Wife giving you lip? Give her a taste of the old taser. Kids acting up? You get the message.

Why should only cops get to electrocute people? It's not fair. It's un-American. This would not pass muster with our Founding Fathers or Mothers. And muster wasn't the only thing they passed in those hot little convention rooms of yore. One can only imagine the smell in there. But I digress . . . Those frock-coated, high-heeled gents of old would have tased the shit out of each other given half a chance had they the technology.

I think we should all be issued tasers at birth, graded in size as we age. Is this not a right? Why has the ACLU been so glaringly quiet about this? Where's the gun lobby? Are they holed up with the civil rights freaks plotting some kind of takeover? This smells of conspiracy. And conspiracy smells a lot like . . . well, you know what.

How many times in a given day could you have pulled the ol' taser out and given some schmuck a few extra volts to show your dissatisfaction? What's happened to us God-fearing Americans? Have we been so pussified by the politically correct, bleeding-heart, pacifist "om" chanters we can no longer express our true feelings in public? I cry (metaphorically) for my country gone astray. Truth now, aren't you tempted to give those Republican presidential candidates a taste of the taser every time they say, "What Americans want is . . . "? And as for the other party, tasing is too good for them. They all need the old dropping-the-radio-into-the-bathtub trick. Now if there was only a way to get them to all bathe together. I'll work on that. But in the meantime, remember: the family that tases together, stays together.

Will Shonbrun is a writer living in Sonoma.

Open Mic is a weekly feature in the Bohemian. We welcome your contribution. To have your topical essay of 350 words considered for publication, write openmic@bohemian.com.

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