Dec. 5: American Christmas at Lincoln Theater

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Attention all parents whose urge to control what their children view is superceded only by the urge to call networks and complain angrily about the blasphemous sacrilege that was the filthy and repulsive sight of Adam Lambert kissing another male while incidentally performing the most horrendously unlistenable crap under the guise of a “song” this side of the Black Eyed Peas, though no one seems to be outraged by the attack on our ears, my Americans, it’s all about the children! children! children! and protecting their innocent virgin eyes from the gays! gays! gays! although that keyboardist basically looked like a woman anyway, but holy bejeezus what’s with all the crotch-ramming and groin-sucking, ack, let’s all praise the FCC: there will be no offensive material for you or your precious family when American Christmas, featuring 12 runner-ups from American Idol, presents holiday classics for the public’s wholesome enjoyment on Saturday, Dec. 5, at the Lincoln Theater. 100 California Drive, Yountville. 8pm. $29–$49. 707.944.1300.Gabe Meline 

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