News & Features » Features

2018: The Year the President Broke

County news, national news, world news—and news from whatever nutty planet that guy in the White House lives on

by

comment
feature-3.jpg

January

News of the World On Jan. 31, reported the BBC, a woman tried to bring her "emotional support peacock" onto a United Airlines flight. "The airline could not accept the animal due to its weight and size." She had better luck with a dodo bird, according to the fake news National Enquirer.

Closer to Home Silver Screen Festival returns to Santa Rosa with a focus on the heroines of horror. Napa State Senator Bill Dodd agitates over fake news with a media-literacy bill. Jeff Sessions makes some loud noises about California's horrible experiment with legal weed. Calistoga's under construction, with 50 new homes being framed out right where the Tubbs fire started.

Meanwhile, in Trumplandia On Jan. 1, Trump gets the year off with a bang when he tweets, per Kim Jong-un: "Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!" On Jan. 12, the Wall Street Journal reports that Michael Cohen paid Stormy Daniels $130,000 in hush money.

February

News of the World Bitcoin bit the cryptocurrency dust in February after a attaining a 2017 peak value of $20,000. "Common sense and a realization that, well, you can't really use Bitcoin in a lot of places," dropped its value to around $5,900, according to CNET.

Closer to Home Coffey Park celebrates completion of Dan Bradford's rebuilt home—the first house to be rebuilt there after the 2017 wildfires.

Meanwhile, in Trumplandia On Feb. 5, Trump says Democrats committed treason by not applauding his speech at the State of the Union. White House official Rob Porter resigns two days later, after it's revealed that he beat his wife. On Feb. 19, Trump Tweets, "Without more Republicans in Congress, we were forced to increase spending on things we do not like or want in order to finally, after many years of depletion, take care of our Military. Sadly, we needed some Dem votes for passage. Must elect more Republicans in 2018 Election!"

March

News of the World Amid a year of senseless gun violence in schools and elsewhere, CNN reports on March 13 that a California teacher "accidentally fired off his gun, injuring one student" during a gun-safety demonstration. The injuries were minor, but the irony was not.

Closer to Home Sonoma County District Attorney Jill Ravitch reverses course and announces her office will proactively start to expunge low-level pot offenses in the county, following on a similar move undertaken in San Francisco.

Meanwhile, in Trumplandia On March 3, Trump says he wishes the United States were more like China, where Xi Jinping is president for life. "Maybe we'll have to give that a shot some day." On March 11, he declares that arming teachers is best way to stop mass shootings at schools. Two days later, he fires Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State. Tillerson later recollects his interactions with Trump, which generally arced along these lines: "Mr. President, I understand what you want to do, but you can't do it that way. It violates the law." On March 20, Trump meets with Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman in the White House, and two days after that, H. R. McMasters resigns as National Security Advisor.

April

News of the World Residents of Flint, Mich., were quite skeptical when elected leaders assured them that the water was safe to drink again, "and therefore the free bottled water program will end," reported CNN.

Closer to Home Bohemian reports that PG&E has hired Darius Anderson firm to lobby for it, as fire-related lawsuits pile up and Erin Brockovich howls on local radio.

Meanwhile, in Trumplandia Trump sends the National Guard to the Mexico border on April 4, and a few days later does his "Maybe I'll fire Mueller, maybe I won't" routine. On April 13, he pardons Bush-era felon Scooter Libby, and calls former FBI director James Comey a slimeball who belongs in jail.

NOT DOING A GREAT JOB Panda preggers? Didn't happen. Sad.
  • NOT DOING A GREAT JOB Panda preggers? Didn't happen. Sad.

May

News of the World CNN reports that on May 12, Delaware "became the first U.S. state to fully ban child marriage," as it banned any nuptials of under-18 lovebirds, even if the parents are cool with it.

Closer to Home Bohemian reports on state GOP's struggles with a neo-Nazi challenger to Dianne Feinstein in Senate race ultimately won by Feinstein, of course. Meanwhile, a bunch of scary people from out of town engage in home invasions, seeking cannabis.

Meanwhile, in Trumplandia On May 8, the White House denies a New York Times report that claims Trump is pulling out of the Iran nuclear deal. That same day, Trump says in a speech that the U.S. is pulling out of the Iran nuclear deal.

June

News of the World Reuters reports on June 25 that giant panda Mei Xiang "may be pregnant." The Smithsonian Institution's National Zoo was hoping for a bun in the bear oven, but alas, it was not to be. CNN reports on California wingnuts' latest attempt to divide the state into three. The ballot measure is thrown out before the November midterms.

Closer to Home Race for Sonoma County Sheriff ends when SCSO Capt. Mark Essick wins three-way primary in a landslide.

Meanwhile, in Trumplandia Trump declares that it's time for a MAGA rally! He says some ridiculous things, and people cheer wildly.

Tags

Add a comment