Wonderbra Attn: Customer Service P.O. Box 5100 Winston-Salem, NC 27113-5100
Getting to know my girlfriend was a short road to her underwear drawer. What I have found there should be of use to your business and hopefully curtail the inevitable turbulence that comes with most new relationships.
I happened to notice that her not infrequent mood swings coincide with the donning of three different Wonderbras. Sifting through her arsenal, I notice that with other bra manufacturers she was consistently a C cup, while Wonderbra ranked her only a B. While breast size cannot explain mood swings and should in no way affect self-esteem, social standards of aesthetics too often transcend common sense. Witness the proliferation of Access Hollywood and Katie Couric.
Perhaps this appears ridiculous, but I truly believe my girlfriend merits a C cup. And it is not just because she's a beautiful, intelligent, and delicious human being. Out of respect for her, I cannot stoop to the descriptive prose necessary to describe her breasts. Trust that my request is not fueled from the fires of locker-room badinage or simple perversion, but astute observation and analysis; we have been together for almost three months!
I hope you will investigate the parameters of your sizes and consider "upgrading" my significant other. She is not aware of this correspondence, as my plan is to secretly swap her B's for C's upon Wonderbra's implementation of my plan. Please keep me informed, and I will do the same.
Sincerely, Kenneth Cleaver
Dear Mr. Cleaver:
Thank you for contacting our Consumer Service Department. We are always glad to hear from our consumers and welcome the opportunity to address any questions or concerns you may have regarding our products.
Thank you for taking time out of your schedule to share your thoughts, which have been noted.
Please find enclosed the self-addressed stamped envelop that was enclosed with your correspondence.
Should you need further assistance, please call our Consumer Services' toll-free number, 1-800-225-4872.
Katrina Gray Consumer Services
From the August 2-8, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.