Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Let me tell you a bit about myself. I'm a lady from Slovenia who believes, like my husband, that all that glitters is gold. And as some of you know already, I love to shop—and I love to shop for my husband. Won't you join me on the stairway to menswear?
When we get there, you know, the store might be closed. And we know why that is. Because all the jobs went to China and Obama ruined America when he stood on that roof in New Jersey and praised Allah for 9-11.
You know, there's a sign on the wall that my husband will build, and it says, "Mexicans are a bunch of rapists," but you know sometimes words have two meanings. Just ask Bill Clinton what the definition of "is" is.
As I've traveled this country with my husband, it makes me wonder about the misgivings people have. I've heard the voices of those who stand looking, like a bunch of retard reporters—but there walks a lady we all know, and her name is Caitlyn Jenner. Join me on the stairway to menswear!
I have thoughts about things, and I get these certain feelings. When I look to the West, I see California hippies smoking pot, laughing in the forest and doing gay things, and my spirit is crying for leaving—to the real America of Slovenia. I'm the songbird who sings, and from my gilded nest I've seen rings of smoke through the trees—Pocahontas alert!
This is a campaign for the people, the bustling people and the hedge-fund people. So don't be alarmed by the whispering lies in the wind. It's spring-clean time for the Benghazi queen!
There are those who say that our shadow is taller than our soul, and it makes me wonder if my husband can sue them for libel. Won't you join me on the stairway to menswear?
Melania Trump is a plagiarist and the wife of an American fascist.
Open Mic is a weekly feature in the 'Bohemian.' We welcome your contribution. To have your topical essay of 350 words considered for publication, write firstname.lastname@example.org.